Spiritual Power

So significantly I see You working in all of us. The Holy Spirit pouring out healing over us, power & love over us, how thankful for Your faithfulness I am! You have compassion over us, over all our sinful ways and responses, and somehow You are able to look past this ugliness and see into our hearts…our childish hearts. Full of hurts, fears, and insecurities, peering instead into the beautifully crafted masterpiece of the heart You designed for us. I remembered Lord how much I longed for you when I was a little girl. I was so lonely; all my memories are of being alone. But the Presence of You was so near and loving, drawing me over and over again to ride my bike to church sanctuaries, to sneak into the "Old Folks Home" and kneel in the Chapel, searching for You. I was ill as a small child so much, but the doctor had a children's Bible which I read while sitting on the floor in his waiting room. I found a form in the waiting room one day, inviting me to participate in a Bible study… I filled it out and enrolled myself into a Bible "school" program where I could answer the little questionnaires about each Bible story and send it off to be graded…I rode my bike to that big round church on the corner of Hessen Castle & Oxford looking again for You…finding missionaries packing up boxes to Your children somewhere else in the world…I was invited to join in the work and did…not many hugs or kisses at home…I recall desperately wanting to be near my mother, but she was so lost and miserable in her own pain…she hadn't much to give because nothing had been given to her…but You did not forget me! You called me by name, and made yourself known to me, You filled me with hope and joy and excitement for life! All the plans I dreamed of! The writing, the teaching, the traveling, the counseling; envisioning myself around so many people! This great desire to learn, and read, to know You, led me to be constantly in search for 'it'; my purpose in You. Sometimes I would find a glimpse of You here or there, besides the sanctuaries, I lived in the library, other times I would stumble into the enemy's lair…but even then I knew the power over the enemy that I had! Stomping on the hallway floor as I walked along, suddenly frightened in the dark, knowing that the fear came from Satan! How did I know that? We never read the Bible or talked about God... I literally said out loud, "get under my feet, you devil!", and stomped down onto the floor until the fear went away so I could keep going down that hallway; I could not have been more than eight years old…standing up in the middle of my 4th grade class during the viewing of an educational film teaching evolutionary theory…standing up and shouting out in front of my peers, "this is NOT how the earth was created, God created it!" being sternly told to "sit down right now!" I don't remember if I did sit down…it seems as if I was taken out instead…I remember that same teacher telling me she was going to send the police, truant officers, to my house to arrest me because she knew I wasn't really sick, but I was! I spent countless days in the hospital, fighting for my life…even then the enemy was working to destroy me…but You would not let him…boldly knocking on a neighbors door after finding out a 30 yr old man was having sex with my 11yr old girlfriend, I angrily confronted his sick behavior, and told him if he ever even looked at her again I would call the police and he would go to prison! I was only 12yrs old and I was confronting a grown man! I felt no fear, only righteous anger for my friend…writing poems and love songs to You, going door to door in my neighborhood asking others if they wanted to hear them, or hear me sing them…seemingly alone again, but I was not sad, I was filled with peace and love and joy…overflowing with the presence of the Holy Spirit…there were horrible things going on in my home…so much pain…I spent most of my time outside with You…walking through the woods and talking with You, through the empty neighborhood streets, talking with You…I have not one memory of ever having anyone with me during this time, but I knew You were there and that You were my best friend and I couldn't wait to be with You! The years that followed led me down some very dark and hurtful places, but Lord, I never felt your presence leave me! I talked with You daily during it all; the drunkenness, the cutting, all the self-destructive behaviors and abuse from others…I never doubted Your presence…but the pain was becoming so unbearable…gone were the feelings of peace and love, replaced with feelings of abandonment and rejection, ugliness and self-hatred…I recalled inviting you into my heart when I was 10 or 11yrs old after a street missionary told me how to live with You forever in heaven, remembering the experience of You picking me up and wrapping warm, safe arms around me…of falling asleep that way…but those feelings seemed alien to me now…

Nearly 30 yrs later…finally, I feel my life is back in sync with You…restoring me the joy of my salvation and renewing a right spirit within me…Father, bless me by filling my heart and spirit with that of the little girls innocent love and continual joy…her drive to be near You…and her boldness to confront evil… I love that little girl! That's who I want to be when I grow up…the little girl...