My Pentecost

I'm not sure when the day of Pentecost is, but I know its coming. I have been filled with the awareness of the lack of spiritual awareness I have given the Spirit of Jesus Christ even though I know it is the Holy Spirit who first called me all those years ago…

Every word ever spoken to me from God, You have delivered to my ears, every desire, ability and dream, it is You who has imparted it…how much I have ignored You!

At this time, we are teaching on You in church through the Book of Acts (all about You), I just coincidently started a course on the Book of Acts, and here are a few other coincidences…

It will be seven years ago, this Pentecost, that You nearly knocked me over with the awareness of my need to be baptized as I was reading, yes, that's right, the Book of Acts.

I signed up for the first baptismal class that was available, and the day I was baptized just happened to fall on the Day of Pentecost.

 

Now, seven years later, I know You are doing something powerful in me and in my family; in all of our lives.

How could I possibly be doing or even desiring to do what I've been seeing happen before my eyes if You are not my Leader and Guide? There isn't any way. However, this weekend, really, it has felt horrific, I've been depressed, and hopeless, and sick of myself and my sinful ways. I got on my knees last night and begged You to come on me in the fullness of Your power and presence, which reminded me that when I was interviewed before I was baptized I was asked why I was being baptized and I declared hungrily, "To have the fullness of the Holy Spirit in me". I certainly didn't come up with this desire alone, I had little to no Bible knowledge, and I had just started to read the Word regularly and was not really even aware of You as a presence in my life. So last night, I could painfully discern the absence of You, of Your presence and I begged and prayed that You would bless me and become to me in my life, all that You are meant to be. Nothing spectacular happened, I felt slightly better, but nothing amazing, I have to admit I was a bit disappointed wondering if it is my own doubt or unbelief that holds You back.

 

So here I am; again. Back on my knees seeking You and pleading with You that You will be and be known to me in the fullness of who You are, be the center of my life, and the Leader of my life, that You will forgive me of my ignorance and sin nature, and pour Yourself out in me and on me and through me like never, ever before and that because of Your greatness and Your power and Your mercy I will be filled with power to lead Your people and be Your voice to all whom You put within my range. I am nothing, I thought, as I prayed on my knees last night; I thought about what a nothing I really am. I come from nothing, no family heritage, no great accomplishments, no godly people, just dysfunctional, sometimes evil, poor people with a legacy of alcoholism and bankrupt lives. Then you reminded me about Nazareth, about Galilee, that Nazareth was known as a "city of garbage" that is why Nathanial (I think) said, "Nazareth, can anything good come from Nazareth?", and yet this is where Jesus Christ grows up…why there? Why not somewhere beautiful? Really I don't know, but one reason might be because all those people who don't have You, really feel like garbage on the inside, like we are nothing, and no one and a Savior that is from royalty as we imagine it, may not be a Savior that we're even capable of reaching out to because "won't He just be more of which is beyond my reach or understanding?" Beyond me and my loneliness, or worthlessness or badness? So maybe, one reason that You chose Nazareth was for that reason, that although the world said Nazareth was a town of garbage, by the worlds standards, it was; however Your standards are not of this world and You chose that place of filth to be called Your home town…so maybe it's not quite as impossible for me to believe that You might also choose me.